An Open Letter to Karen...

Till the Wheels Come Off

Dear Karen, 

Hi. 

This is Hank. Hank from your past. 

I hope you do remember me. Even if you don’t, no worries. But that would kind of make me sad thou. That I wasn’t good enough to be a part of your memory. I am writing this not to tell you about how good we were together and how our lives would have been, if we stuck it out. I just wanted to tell you that I am thankful to you for a multitude of reasons. Reasons that were unknown to me for long, not until recently. Sometimes people make a difference more when they are invisible because we come to terms of their importance in the void that they create after they leave. Perhaps this is one of them. I am writing this to say thank you that you made me who I am today, may not be perfect, well who is but grown enough to understand things in their entirety and subtlety that I didn’t do before. We may not be as close now that we were in the past, but still sometimes I do see you in things that I need counsel on and you have been on my side since then. I am not sure if this regular or serious when you do visit me in my dreams, with vivid remembrance to make a point or two. Well I may not have been completely out of your hangover, but what I surely do know is that we do not belong together for sure now. We did take vows but that’s for another day to discuss. In a sense that it didn’t work out and now that you have moved on, you are happy handling different responsibilities in a world completely different as mine. The fact that you didn’t get back to me for once in the past 4 years suggests that you may have been doing very very well in your new world. Sad I couldn’t be a part of it. May be we both wanted it and it didn’t happen. May be we didn’t want it and so it didn’t happen. Whatever the reason is I am sure you have moved on. I may not be that way but I am trying. You see sometimes time has to be kept on hold not because we want to seize the moment but because to keep reminding us, the exact situation that we have kept avoiding for years.

I am sure you are happy as happy as you could be, you want to be and more importantly you deserve it to be. I heard you inquired about me from one of our common friends and I believe she didn't give as encouraging a news as I would have wanted her to give you, but still. Let me tell you this, Loving you has been the greatest treasure of my life. Letting you go has been the greatest mistake of my life and getting over you is perhaps the hardest thing that I would have to do, ever in life. It’s not a confession that I am making. I am being courageous enough to accept things as they are. As they always will be. May be tonight I am scribbling a bit more randomly than I should have but every point I make here is worth the randomness. Because in the process I am accepting and acknowledging the man I am today and the man I want myself to be. Far across in the oceans deep when the sun spreads its myriad of crimson rays, I often see a reflection of sorts, Well not your face for sure but a puzzle that I have still not been able to solve. I hope you do understand. May be that’s not important for you. But still. Now that I have lost things forever perhaps it’s time to settle down. To start things with a new hope, a new beginning a new perspective. I have been saying that for years now(Smiles).But yes I should. And in that sense thank you. For not coming back to me. Ever. Even with a single most excuse. I accept it. I admire it. And at the same time I feel it too.

So as you spend another day with your hubby, planning about your next holiday trip. As you flamboyantly take care of your daughter and give her the attention she always craves for. As you silently slip into that couch of yours with a subtle breeze passing through your face. As you immerse yourself in your daily chores to make your weekend another special one. I sit here to write this open letter to you, to say thank you. Had it not been for you, I would have never have had the courage to lift that pen for the first time in my life and write that famous novel of mine. To say thank you is to oblige and pay tribute to you for all the success I have ever achieved, for all the praise that I ever got. And for numerous fans out there who still consider me as their favorite icon. Without you all this wouldn't have been possible. 

Thank You Karen. To say thank you to you is to oblige and it’s the greatest gift that I could ever give to you.

Regards,
Hank Moody

A Realization...Bitter...Sweet

Silence crept like darkness and I longed for rays,

hours felt like weeks and seconds like days,

music, movies and crowd gave me no meaning,

I missed the high too,that I used get from boozing.

Too much uncertainty, numbness were in store,

life told me, "you are not living anymore."

Loneliness was haunting,felt like committing a crime,

distance, felt proportional to time.

Sleep was nowhere to be found,

Insomnia ate me like a hound.

Rain drops touched me like a sharp sword,

it was long  since I saw you,was desperate for a word.

But then,

for the first time in life,the separation made a meaning,

with you I had a home,in our world of feelings.

Distance, felt proportional to love,

as you became my heartthrob.

For the first time in life, a realization felt arousing,

a future so beautiful, not ME...not YOU, just US in everything,

For the first time in life, prayers were fruitful,

for the price of separation,it was worth it to love you like a fool.

For the first time in life, it felt like it was just a beginning,

with your sheer presence,you gave my life a true meaning,

For the first time in life, life was worth living for,

I was so thankful to life, it kept you for me in store.

I Really Want To Play Something For You

I really want to play something for you

I love it when you say that you want me to

A new tune,a new song

Doesn't matter if it takes me long

To come up with,even the old ones,

You said you would listen to them again,

If given a chance.

All I'll ever write,all I'll ever sing,

With all my thoughts,all I can ever bring

Are those mere words,the last few straws of a nest-less bird,

Till you come and hold'em tight,

They are all arranged with your one dreamy sight.

I get cold feet baby

Yet I feel the heat

I can mess around with words

But with you,I cannot cheat.

So don't you ever turn your back on me

Don't you ever loose your track on me

My tuned guitar,sounds so much bitter

But when you are around,even silence is sweeter.

So, stay awake a lil more,

Just answer when I'm gonna call you,

Come to chat,I'm gonna mail you,

Just hold on for  few minutes,let me record and send you my sound

coz you know I  hate it,

when I really want to play something for you,and you are not around.

The Unrest

I have been looking for things that aren't meant for me anymore...I have been walking on the path that's never supposed to converge anywhere...But I still keep looking. No matter how much you change, you still have to pay the price for what you have done. Our past aggregates us all. People aren't supposed to judge us. But you will always judge yourself. For that was what you believed in. So I am still walking. And we will meet for sure. This side or the other...

I sometimes wonder what exactly was my plan. I sometimes get crazy thinking about all that I could have done. And then I see your face. I see everything that flashes in front of my eyes. And I still think am I there yet? As a child I always wondered about how this universe functions in a peculiar way and how everyone is happy all around. But deep down I have always found that one thing missing from everyone's life. That meaning that they want to give. To themselves, to their lives, to their family, to their surrounding, to their society. And today I have learnt that no matter what you do and how much you try to define things there's always a mystery surrounding them. And you always cannot define everything.

Unsorted behavior. Radical ideologies. Blasphemic accusations. Servility in actions is what I have stood for lately. And these things just doesn't let go of me easily. It’s just a phase where you try hard to prove yourself, worthy of social accomplishments that your peers approve of. And you just feel that you don’t get there very often. A broken piece of human anticipation is what I stand for and represent right now and I let everything wash away at the end of the day. Anyways. For sure that was the last thing I wanted. And I just don’t give myself a chance to sort things out.

How is that supposed to happen when the only thing you can think of is a lie? How are you supposed to mend your ways when you distance yourself from the path that is supposed to carry you through to the so called destination? No wonder you were a genius once. But your accomplishments have taken over and I fear you don’t have any. Your glass is neither half empty nor hall full. It’s just a damn glass. How can it turn into a marvel when you don’t do anything with it? A serious relationship thus needs to start with yourself first before you really think of the transformation. Because you need to know who you are and where you stand to have a clear view first. And you no longer need to feel that cage. The indemnities’ are long paid off and a fresh chapter thus needs to begin.

I never knew how I got here. Neither did I want to. The sufferings that I have been through. The sleepless nights that I never woke up to. The restlessness trying to define my way. There was always a logic defined in my approach. In the ways that I adopted. And today I have learnt that everything is futile and fleeting for they never define you, the things that you stand for. Because the things that we have today are the things that we never thought of. And we are still busy trying to solve the maze, to understand where we all fit in. And sometimes we even feel in control of things. But it’s when things start to fall apart that we realize how alone we really are, and how indifferent the things were, behind which we spent all our time and energy till now.

They say there comes a time where you would have to choose. And indeed there came a time when I did chose. You can always go on. But as they say that day will come. The unrest is far and deep within me. It’s killing me. I for sure don’t want to settle things with this one. I don’t want to make peace with it. I don’t want to do away with it. This is probably what I want right now. I kind of like it. There is something in here that makes me feel alive. Anything other than this wouldn't have worked any way. There were times when I have been deeply moved by things that I cared for. But today it’s just another incident that I don’t relate to. If that is what it is then I am really not worried about it.

People tell me that I need to mend ways. It high time that I understand the difference between mediocrity and extravagance. But how do I make them understand that there are things that if you let go of, no more makes you who you are. I am not perfect. I am not sane. I am not a saint either. But I for sure am living. I for sure am breathing. And if that is the way it is meant to be. So be it…