The Unrest

I have been looking for things that aren't meant for me anymore...I have been walking on the path that's never supposed to converge anywhere...But I still keep looking. No matter how much you change, you still have to pay the price for what you have done. Our past aggregates us all. People aren't supposed to judge us. But you will always judge yourself. For that was what you believed in. So I am still walking. And we will meet for sure. This side or the other...

I sometimes wonder what exactly was my plan. I sometimes get crazy thinking about all that I could have done. And then I see your face. I see everything that flashes in front of my eyes. And I still think am I there yet? As a child I always wondered about how this universe functions in a peculiar way and how everyone is happy all around. But deep down I have always found that one thing missing from everyone's life. That meaning that they want to give. To themselves, to their lives, to their family, to their surrounding, to their society. And today I have learnt that no matter what you do and how much you try to define things there's always a mystery surrounding them. And you always cannot define everything.

Unsorted behavior. Radical ideologies. Blasphemic accusations. Servility in actions is what I have stood for lately. And these things just doesn't let go of me easily. It’s just a phase where you try hard to prove yourself, worthy of social accomplishments that your peers approve of. And you just feel that you don’t get there very often. A broken piece of human anticipation is what I stand for and represent right now and I let everything wash away at the end of the day. Anyways. For sure that was the last thing I wanted. And I just don’t give myself a chance to sort things out.

How is that supposed to happen when the only thing you can think of is a lie? How are you supposed to mend your ways when you distance yourself from the path that is supposed to carry you through to the so called destination? No wonder you were a genius once. But your accomplishments have taken over and I fear you don’t have any. Your glass is neither half empty nor hall full. It’s just a damn glass. How can it turn into a marvel when you don’t do anything with it? A serious relationship thus needs to start with yourself first before you really think of the transformation. Because you need to know who you are and where you stand to have a clear view first. And you no longer need to feel that cage. The indemnities’ are long paid off and a fresh chapter thus needs to begin.

I never knew how I got here. Neither did I want to. The sufferings that I have been through. The sleepless nights that I never woke up to. The restlessness trying to define my way. There was always a logic defined in my approach. In the ways that I adopted. And today I have learnt that everything is futile and fleeting for they never define you, the things that you stand for. Because the things that we have today are the things that we never thought of. And we are still busy trying to solve the maze, to understand where we all fit in. And sometimes we even feel in control of things. But it’s when things start to fall apart that we realize how alone we really are, and how indifferent the things were, behind which we spent all our time and energy till now.

They say there comes a time where you would have to choose. And indeed there came a time when I did chose. You can always go on. But as they say that day will come. The unrest is far and deep within me. It’s killing me. I for sure don’t want to settle things with this one. I don’t want to make peace with it. I don’t want to do away with it. This is probably what I want right now. I kind of like it. There is something in here that makes me feel alive. Anything other than this wouldn't have worked any way. There were times when I have been deeply moved by things that I cared for. But today it’s just another incident that I don’t relate to. If that is what it is then I am really not worried about it.

People tell me that I need to mend ways. It high time that I understand the difference between mediocrity and extravagance. But how do I make them understand that there are things that if you let go of, no more makes you who you are. I am not perfect. I am not sane. I am not a saint either. But I for sure am living. I for sure am breathing. And if that is the way it is meant to be. So be it…